Saturday 30th of September, 2000

Olivia has databased her entries, and she sent me an email telling me how many times things related to me were mentioned, so I went to her site, searched for “Joanna” and read all the related entries. It’s amazing how many stories there are there, the past, the history, events that ended up shaking me and shaping me completely.

And it’s on that same vein that I feel today. I had coffee with an old friend today. Friend is a weird word to use in this situation, but I realise that’s what he is now. It felt strange to sit across a table from him, and think that i used to be able to touch him, that we used to sleep wrapped around each other, that for a while I based my life around him. But I don’t anymore. I’ve missed talking to him, and I’ve missed being intimate with someone, but I don’t miss being with him. When we hugged, he still smelt the same, and felt the same, but I don’t feel the same. It’d be easier to still be in love with him, to pine, to whine, because staying the same is easier than changing. But I have changed, and I know it, and I also know now how unhealthy I used to be.

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