Monday October 23rd, 2000

I’ve been feeling really weird lately, like for the past couple’o weeks even, but I’m smiling lots right now cos I just got email from the Long Lost Hulita. Coupled with Penny ringing me the other day, and talking to Andee a while ago, now I just have to hope that Beth gets herself to a computer sometime and emails me from the states. I keep writing a list in my head of all the people that I’ve lost touch with that I want contact with again, and I keep meaning to put it online, but I never get around to it, so just briefly, if anyone knows Brittany Tobiason, last heard from in Olympia, Washington State, I’d love contact details.

I can’t really explain the weird feeling I’ve had lately – it’s kinda like loneliness, except that I’m constantly surrounded by the people I care about, so that doesn’t really make sense. I dreamt that I moved to Dunedin because I’m too comfortable here, and maybe that’s it – maybe I am too comfortable. I’ve been reading old diaries, from sixth and seventh form, and I think this kind of restlessness is something I have annually, especially when there’s tumultouous times ahead, like oh you know, the end of three years at AUT and being plunged into the job market. I’m kinda pretending like that’s not happening, and so I think I’m covering stress by being too complacent. Actually, I don’t know, I’m just talking out of a hole in my ass. I’m just really jealous of Kate B right now (so what else is new) and all of my other friends as well because I’m craving real intimacy. And a trophy. After seeing Kate’s mum all nervous before she met Johnno’s parents, I want a boy so that my parents can get nervous about meeting his parents. Heh, I’m such an awful person.

I’ve been listening to PJ Harvey’s new album “Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea” a lot today. It’s very good – different from “Is this Desire? Yes!” I find myself singing along to it very loudly. The shower’s great for singing in – when my flatmates are out, that is, because I sing VERY loud, and most of what I’m singing is not in my key. Especially not if I’m singing Fur Patrol’s new song ‘Lydia’. I’m excited about weta/fur patrol/shihad in Hamilton. I’m ever more excited about PJ Harvey and Placebo at the big day out.

There was a half hour concert of Placebo’s on the telly tonight. It made me cry, what a wuss. I really must get my shit together. I was stoked to see the bassist wearing a very pretty dress over a pair of flares. Good fashion sense. I’m reading ‘A Suitable Boy’ right now, which I think I’ve mentioned it before. I stole it from Karen, along with “No Logo” (I told her I was telling everyone about “No Logo”, and she said she did exactly the same thing after she read it – Naomi Klein has become her own brand now). Anyways, yes, so I thought it was Karen’s book, but then from the first page I knew it must have been Opa’s book, because of all the red pen notes and underlinings in it. So many of the books I got from him have that all through them – what an intellectual. I wish I could have written something amazing and made Opa proud of me.

Arrrrrrrrrrgh! This is absolutely driving me stark raving bonkers – I’m so full of regret about EVERYTHING lately, and I don’t know why, and I just wish that it’d stop so I could just get on with day to day stuff. It’s kinda like my petrol tank in my car – I always leave it running on empty, but so far the empty light hasn’t shown up before I put the next $5 in to keep it going. I’m not entirely sure that the warning light works anymore, so maybe I’ll just break down in the middle of nowhere and it’ll be kind of a suprise. See, even when I complain about my dumbass feelings, I write more dumbass drivel. This is insane, I’m going to stop writing now, and go and read my book instead.

Me: “I’m not married, how can you think that I’m not a virgin? What kind of slut do you take me for?” – Mum: “My daughter”

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