Category: Journal
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But what even is my baseline?
“Grief is like food poisoning, you have to let it work through you and it’s going to be messy” This is what I pay the big dollars for. That and so I can cry and say “So when I’m crying and I’m sitting in my loss, what do I do then?” and she says “yeah” […]
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Check, mate
I don’t know what the fuck I was smoking when I said it was getting easier. Or perhaps I doomed myself. That seems appropriate. Because I have run out of things to do when it comes to working on myself, or at least the tangible things, y’know, but I don’t feel better? I gave up […]
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Doing the limbo
I’m back to feeling in limbo again. Because it has become too easy, I don’t have little victories to celebrate anymore. There was no parade for me at two weeks sober and I was disappointed. I walked into counselling smiling and I didn’t cry during the session. Somehow this feels wrong. Obviously the way I […]
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50
Yesterday was my first big alcohol-free challenge, and I crushed it. Like in the good sense. I am super proud of myself. High five me! You might not think that having to go to a luxury lodge and eat a five course lunch sounds particularly hard, but being sober around my parents has generally been […]
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Keeping busy
We’re into double digit days now folks, which is pretty exciting. The days that dragged on forever have also blurred into a quick run. I’ve successfully kept myself occupied – thanks in no small part to all the wonderful people who’ve helped. My first big test comes tomorrow when I spend the day with my […]
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Sugary
Today was all go go go. I went to the doctor’s first thing to tell her I’d given up drinking and to ask her for the barrage of blood tests my trainer and my psychologist want, and also for a general health check. As per usual, my blood pressure was perfect, and she reminded me […]
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Non-linear time
The thing I’m learning about polyamory is that because you don’t just have one timeline, things play out and overlap and it’s a hell of a mind trip. You can be crying in the morning when your new super king duvet arrives for the enormous bed you ordered when you were still expecting there would […]
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The metaphors are like, totally similes
Everything is therapy-speak right now, or some gigantic big sign from the universe or some weird coincidence slash that thing where you buy a kind of car and then all of a sudden those cars are everywhere. Which is also the case when I bought a car in 2018. Late last night/early this morning I […]
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Filling in the time
But spending time today with two different people who I know I have helped and supported in the past has allowed my thinking to move a little from “I am a monster” to “I have done some monstrous things”. I am not a thing that needs to be fixed – my behaviour and patterns are what need to be changed.
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Day 4 AF
The semi-ironic thing is that I’d actually mostly been drinking less in the past couple of months.
Hubris 