As you wish

Wednesday March 6th

I myself am often amazed at life’s little quirks.

So I have confessions to make. Do I do them at the start or the end of the journal? Or should I put them in where I guess they fit chronologically, in terms of why I started to think about it allanyways? Or should I put them in here and just get it out of the way? Okay. I’m not a good person. I think it’s commonly known that I’ve slept with someone while I was in love with someone else. It gets worse. You know the boy I refered to as “my fucktoy” ? Well, he had a girlfriend when we started. I felt twinges of guilt if I ever had to hang out with her, but the only time it ever really bugged me was after I had to go and get the Morning After pill when the condom broke, which I’d never had to do before and it was scary although I played it all cool and “yeah it’s not a big deal at all” and he’d offered to come with me but when I went to his house afterwards, she was over. In fact, after he broke up with her, the attraction really wasn’t there for me, except for the night that I scored someone at a wedding who wouldn’t come home with me so I manipulated the fucktoy into shagging me again even though wewere both kind of bored of it. I’m pretty sure that most of the girls that I’ve scored have had partners. I have no idea about a few random people that I’ve met in bars. I use people when my self esteem needs boosting, or when I’m bored, or I’m trying to make some sort of point or if I just feel like having some fun. I take advantage of people. The only thing to my credit in all of these situations is that I’m ALWAYS straight up about it. I never even imply that I have feelings for any of them, or tell them that I want to see them again when I don’t. I don’t ask them to tell me all about them when I’m just using them for one purpose. But that’s not enough to redeem me and give me good karma is it? Karma Police, arrest this girl, and everything.

One of the excellentest things about living in town is that I got up 15 minutes before my tutorial today. I had friends in class today! Since I changed Com Strat tutorials, I now have it at the same time as Mike, who’s Kateb’s friend and who I always thought was cute. Excellent, especially since his girlfriend ISN’T in the same tut. Also, I was chatty with Jinan, who is my partner on our first assignment, so that’s me sitting between two people I knew and introducing them and everything. That feels much better. And then, when I was waiting outside the building to have lunch with Clay, I bumped into BenII who I had a crush on first and second year, and since he’s doing advertising this year, no doubt I’ll see him around also, so that’s good. I think he was the boy that I first starting using the phrase “eyecandy” on. Blah blah blah.

After lunch with Clay, I went to see if Icould get my text books any cheaper from Borders, and then I went to peruse their magazines, thinking all the time about my IMC branding essay that I have to do. I lusted after an Adbusters magazine, but it was like $32 so I settled for a Q instead, because it came with a cd’o the best stuff’o 2001, so now I’m listening to N.E.R.D a lot. And Ash.

In Persuasive Communication this afternoon, we learnt that if you get an inconsistent reaction, you’re much more likely to persist in an attempt to get attention which explains oh so much about me. Apparently also, your levels of persuasion ability are related to your level of self esteem as well – the lower your self esteem the easier it is to be talked into things because you don’t have a voice in your head validating your own opinion. That also makes sense.

This evening Maree picked me up and took me to her house where we met up with Shirley and walked down to Cima for drinks. I got an attack of the blahs and fell silent for a lot of the time, plus I had a lot of study to do so I went home. Much later in the evening, I started to watch Last Tango in Paris, if only so that I could see how Marlon Brando looked mid-career, as oppposed to him being very hot and very young or very old and very ugly. I think there’s a lesson in there that all beauty fades . But it felt too hollow for my liking so I went and bought chocolate and watched The Princess Bride instead. One of Clay’s friends rang for him while he was out and because he’s new to Auckland and doesn’t have any friends he spent 15 minutes insulting me instead. Eventually I had to hang up on him though, because honestly, that’s no way to speak to a lady! He was the guy that I’d meant to score the night I ended up with the boat shoe boy instead, and so he had me worried when he said something about going to a vet to check for diseases. I worried that he was implying that maybe I’d given his friend something, but possibly I’m just paranoid. I don’t remember the sex but I do remember freaking out afterwards and making sure he was wearing a condom. Besides, I’m pretty 99% sure that there’s no way that I have anything, although I will book a U22 appointment real soon just to double check. I know I’m talking very ummm ‘loosely’ in this entry tonight, I think maybe it’s my way of reminding myself not to revert back to this behaviour just because I’m scared that whenever I like anyone I end up getting hurt.

Tomorrow I’m taking Clay to Cash Convertors so he can sell his little tv cos we finally got the widescreen back. Boys and their big toys eh? I swear, this widescreen tv is so fucking ugly, only Ben’s stereo matches it in excessiveness. I don’t have a class until 4, but I do have a lot of study to do before then, especially since I’m interviewing my mentor on Friday morning and I gotta do a lot of prep work before that, and I’m sure there’s something I was going to do tomorrow night. So much work! But I love being back in class, I so missed talking to other intelligent people these past six months being at home all day by myself or even worse having to talk to Ben. Intellectually challenged isn’t really intellectually challenging! Oooh, that’s MEAN. I just have a fetish for arguing with Communication Students, I think. Or not arguing as such, rather having heated discussions. Learning is very good for me. And to that end, I’m going to go and finish reading Q and then maybe try to sleep, but I’m betting I won’t be able to.

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